Facing fears

I could spend the rest of my life filling my time with drama, money, success, projects, pitches, boys, men, dates, nights out, new friends, new cities, countries, sites and landmarks.

But I have realised there is no point.

To keep going around in circles, reaching the same spot; to square one which is as uninspiring, hollow and unfulfilling as before.

So here I am by the river Mina in Epuyén looking at the leaves that have turned yellow. I sit with my fears and distractions wondering where to go from here.

My brain keeps very busy, it has tonnes of ideas of things I can do, new projects to undertake but my heart tells me silently that it is of no interest.

That I know where to go. What path I need to take.

Every other day I kick up a fight filled with defiance. I sit by the river and dip my foot in the ice cold water wearing my flowery lime green bikini from Brazil and dread the cold so much I refuse to get inside the river.

But then I finally do it. I get in and stay in the river until my legs hurt and I get out again.

I know I’m not done; that I need to immerse myself to wake up, to wash away that nagging voice telling me I can’t do it.

I get in and out of the water three times before I build up the courage, the stamina to immerse myself completely and put my head underneath the melted snow from the Andes.

And there it is, the cold water against my cheeks and water drops falling down from my hair.

I feel alive.

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